Thursday, September 11, 2014

Irish Alzheimer’s

Do you know the definition of Irish Alzheimer’s?  You forget everything, except the grudge.

That is an awful joke at the expense of a terrible disease, playing off of one of the many stereotypes of the Irish – that they enjoy a good fight.  I had promised myself I would never repeat that joke.  However, recently as I thought about it, I realized that it is not only a story that is in very bad taste, but it is a metaphor for things I have seen in my work and among my friends and family:  a person becomes so offended, often by someone they love, that they forget all the wonderful times and good qualities of the other person and remember only the offense.  Only the grudge.

The grudge becomes all-consuming.  It can eat a person from the inside. 

Marriages fall apart.  Families are torn asunder by inheritance battles.  Business associates lose trust and their relationship, as well as their business, fails.

Relationships, whether between family members, business associates or sovereign governments, can be strained, damaged or broken by miscommunications and misunderstandings as readily as by intentional acts.  How many wars and divorces have been unintentionally caused over the millennia by such sins of omission? 

I recall a divorce case I once handled.  The couple had been experiencing stress in their marriage.  They had an argument, and the husband retreated to the basement bedroom.  He never returned to the marital bedroom.  18 months or so later, they were in my courtroom to finalize the dissolution of their marriage.  Neither one of them could recall what they were arguing about that had led them down that irreversible path.

They could only recall the grudge. 

Who suffers as the result of the grudge?  Often, the one who is carrying it.  The other person may not even be aware of it.  They may know that Jerry hasn’t called for awhile, but doesn’t think much else of it.  Jerry, on the other hand, cannot stop t thinking about it.  He carries the grudge and he carries the pain.  So very sad.

When the grudge occurs between mother and father, the children are the innocents that suffer as a result.  Those cases are among the hardest I have had to handle on the bench.  The couple is so blinded by their rage against the other that they cannot recall the reasons they fell in love and married in the first place.  And, tragically, they cannot see the terrible damage the grudge has done to their children. 

An awful joke about a terrible disease holds a nugget of caution for us all:  Beware the unquenchable power of the grudge.